RER Diaries
I was frantically searching for the bananas I had bought yesterday .
Where had I kept them ? They were neither in my store , nor in my fruit
basket , not as well in my shopping bag . I had to catch the train to
Marseille and I did not want to miss my breakfast before taking on the 3
hour journey . We used to get only muffins and sandwiches in the train
café and I did not want to have that . Voila ! I found the bananas . I
had kept them on my study table inside my room . Egg toast with two
bananas and here I was ready for the trip . I took my overcoat along and
locked the door of my apartment . I didn't have much time so decided to
take the stairs instead of waiting for the lift . It was a 3 minute
walk from my apartment to the Noisiel Station . I had to walk briskly to
catch the next available train as trains on weekends arrive at an
interval of every 15 minutes.
I reached the Noisiel station . The
screen showed the next train is "a quai " (at the platform) . I knew
the doors open for no more than 20 seconds so I punched my card at the
ticket validation machine and forced myself through the revolving
machine bars and as if destiny had planned it, the bars didn't move .
They bloody had to not work at this moment . I had around 10 seconds
left . I cared little now . I jumped the bar and ran wildly down the
stairs thereby unwillingly elbow hitting whoever came by my way . The
alarm for "door closing " had rung. I had 5 seconds more to reach . I
rushed frantically to the nearest door as soon as I reached the platform
. The doors had almost closed but I swinged my backpack towards the
closing doors and it worked . It could have been a bad move as well but
it worked . The bag got stuck in between and the doors re-opened
(automatic sensor for blockage) . I entered comfortably after my bag and
could immediately see some grumpy faces giving me those angry glares on
delaying the train by a few more seconds . I knew what I did was wrong
but I had no other option . I had to board this train to reach in time .
I just reached the opposite door and started looking outside to avoid
all the unnecessary attention which I had just gathered. The station
"Noisy le Grand " after two stops was one of the main stops and I was
sure somebody would get down . I saw the lady beside me , near the door
, picked up her backpack from the floor and put it on her lap . Being a
daily traveller in local trains , I knew she was to get down at the
next station . As soon as the train stopped at the next station , the
lady stood up . As soon as I saw her stand up , I sat down from behind
on her seat . Even before I could realize something this lady was
sitting on my lap . I was shocked and let out a loud "ohhh" (not so loud
as well ) but these girls have this habit of exaggerating everything .
She gave out such a loud scream as if a tiger had just torn off her
right arm and she had seen the arm lying in front of her . Again
everybody's attention was towards me . I had a quick look at the faces
staring at me and there were also the faces who were staring at me at my
station where I took the train .I explained to the girl that I thought
you will leave so I sat down . She apologised saying , "Yeah I know it
was my mistake and actually I was not sure if I have to get down at this
station or the next one , I had just stood up to have a look at the map
above the door . Sorry " . Within a matter of seconds, her reactions
were so hugely contrasting . I wish chameleons , who can change colours
as per the environment , could understand humans so that I could tell
them showing the girl , " Hey chameleons , look here's the competition" .
I was surprised myself to know that it was not my fault but what the
life threatening cry was for that she let out on realizing she had sat
down on somebody's lap . She had sat down on somebody's lap and not on a
cactus bonsai with nail sized thorns .Anyways I decided to chuck it as
its impossible to understand girls . However I was feeling good about
myself and decided to have a re-look at the staring faces just to feel
assured that it was not my fault . Their faces were still the same as if
they had already decided who the troublemaker was and as if they wanted
to say , " You are a brown guy so I have judged already that its you
who is wrong " . The next station was "Gare de Lyon" and I had to get
down here to catch my train .
I generally have this paranoia of
getting off my seat and standing near the door a few minutes before the
train arrives at the station . This time I had no seat so I moved closer
to the exit door . The train stopped at "Gare de lyon"( the high speed
train station) and I got down the train pushing myself against a mob of
people enthusiastically trying to get into the train and grab a seat .
Considering the rush during peak hours in RER A (the train) , they had
obviously stopped having faith anymore in something which is called
"etiquettes", which is to let the people get out first and then get onto
the train . Well I had myself not shown much etiquette today so I just
forgave all and myself and took the escalator .
In paris the long
distance trains are always at the top floor,below that is the metro
line and right at the bottom is the RER train line. I had to climb two
floors to get to my train but I was not pressed for time as I was
already at my station and I had ten minutes before departure. I punched
in my travel ticket before entering the platform .The TGV ( the high
speed train in france) no 8173 towards Marseille via Avignon ( a
beautiful medieval age town around 30 minutes before Marseille) . My
coach number was 6 and seat 14 .I entered my coach ,kept my luggage at
the luggage platform beside the coach door and started looking for my
seat. 22,23,25 .Oh no! the seat numbers were increasing so I had to
come back towards the door. Voila ! here was my seat just beside the
coach entry door. I got the seat which actually I didn't want to get. I
prefer the two seat ones while travelling .I had got an "espace
familial" one which meant 2 facing two and a semi-foldable table
separating the oppositely placed chairs. There was nobody in the other 3
seats till them. 5 minutes left for departure and still nobody, I was
happy that I will get to travel peacefully as these seats are basically
given to families with kids etc. However my happiness was short lived as
just a couple of minutes later a young girl with blackglasses
accompanied by a middle aged lady entered the coach and placed their
purses on the seats.It seemed they perfectly knew where their seats
were.
They both (looked like a mother daughter duo ) took off their
coats , folded them in a very detailed manner and kept them at the cabin
baggage space provided at the top of the seats . The seat next to me
was still empty and the bell for doors to close 2 minutes before
departure went off . The doors finally closed and I was content that the
seat next to me was empty and I could spread my arms . The daughter-
mother duo was right in front of me. They said "Bonjour " (hello ) to me
.I nodded my head in appreciation and from the look on the mother's
face I could understand she did not feel good without a reply. She was
expecting a "bonjour" in return .
Now it was the girl's turn .The
girl spoke out , "Hi , you are going to Avignon or Marseille ?" . I
again nodded my head . Her mother now said , I think you are going to
Marseille as not many business people visit Avignon . I nodded my head
and smiled . I was in my tuxedo wear ,was sporting a one day beard and
had my Rayban wayfarer sunglasses on . I can take the liberty to safely
assume that I appeared quite like a decent looking corporate guy .
Two attempts at striking a conversation had failed and I could tell from
the mother's face that she was not very pleased with her co-passenger
(me) who she was thinking ,was rude and also an étrangère (foreigner)
,thanks to my brown skin and black hair .
The train had just left
the station and things had already started to get interesting . I
finally managed to glance at the girl . We had entered a small tunnel
and the girl still had her black glasses on . I took time to look at her
. She was indeed pretty . The makeup shades were perfect on her
flawless dusky skin . I just have this thing for girls with a flawless
and a dusky skin colour . I find them very attractive . I went back in
my memory lane when during my masters studies the girls who used to come
from South american countries like Peru and Columbia and were slightly
dusky . Oh ! what pretty faces ! Watch them once a day and your day is
made . I remembered the girl from Peru in our university . She was not
very tall , she was lean , dusky , had a flawless skin and the warmth
that she radiated while talking was so just so impressive . Sometimes
she used to talk to me outside our hostel and after the conversation ,
the whole day I used to be in a good mood . Similarly, the girl in front
of me looked pretty . Now I wanted to see her eyes but she had still
not taken off her glasses . She had thick brown hair and she had so
beautifully , like a craftsman , let the front part of her hair fall
over the right side of her face and it was touching her arms which she
had kept folded so it was safe to assume that she had almost waist
length hair . I just love long hair . She had plumpy cheeks and while
talking to her mother when she was smiling, I could see the cusp
formation on both side of her cheeks beside the nose and believe me, it
looked unbelievably beautiful . From time to time the hair which was
covering her right ear and a part of her right cheek would come falling
off thereby covering the whole right side of her face uptil the nose and
immediately she would push them back and unsuccessfully try to park
them behind her right ear . The hair on the right side of her face was
so meticulously brushed back that it didn't seem to encroach at all her
face . She had a high and long pointed nose and it seemed the sunglasses
were enjoying the long resting area over the nose and that's the reason
they were not coming off to let me have a glance at the eyes . She had
this beautiful pearl sized ear-ring hanging from her left ear . She must
be wearing one on the right too but it was not visible due to her ever
falling and ever flowing hair on that side. I have never been a fan of
skinny girls . This girl was a little chubby as well and her slightly
plumpy hands and beautifully sized fingers were shining due to sunlight
falling on it maybe because of a moisturiser which she might have
applied on her hands .She was wearing a black trouser , a sky blue
coloured pull over a dark grey coloured shirt with broad , spread-out
collars and pink buttons on it . It looked so girly and I just loved it
. She had kept her hands on her lap and was holding a silver coulored
scarf with pink embroidery on it . She had also folded the end part of
her pullover of her hands which made the hand-collars of the dark grey
shirt visible just before her palms started .The combination made her
look even more elegant , girly and pretty . The sunglasses were
completely matching with the trouser's colour . I started imagining that
had it been an Indian train , we would have sitting near the window and
the wind coming from the open windows would have blown her hair across
her face every now and then and that would have looked so pretty on her .
Suddenly a I saw just a strand of hair falling over on the right side
of her face as well . Things had been looking so perfect till now that I
had the sudden urge to put back the hair right in its place myself but
quickly came to senses and realized I was just about to commit a
humongous error .
Suddenly she spoke up , So what do you do in
Marseille ? Her mother too started looking at me with a face which was
like ,this time she was sure a reply would come by . Seeing no reply
from my side her mother kept staring at me for 30 seconds straight. I
could not see any difference in the girl's face except a smirk . I
really wanted to see the expression in her eyes but she was wearing her
black glasses just like me . However I imagined that diameter of her
eyeballs would have certainly increased by 30 % since this was the third
straight question I didn't reply to . She then turned her face on the
right towards her mother and said to her in french ," Its ok mom . times
are bad nowadays. Nobody trusts the other person so easily as there are
so many people out there who break your trust . This person must have
had a bad night yesterday and does not seem to be in a good mood so lets
leave him at peace " . I was amazed at the innocence in her reply . I
was not expecting such a polished reply . I was instead expecting that
she might resort to polite and refined abusing , say "get lost" in some
sugary layered words and start talking to her mother , but this totally
came as a surprise.
One hour journey had passed till now and I had
started to feel really interested in this girl . I have always been
someone who likes to talk and discuss on various topics . Hearing her
talk to her mother , and that too sensibly on various topics related to
french politics , french economy , immigration issues , ukraine and
syria crisis ,european union descendancy and the ascendancy of asian
powers , I felt even more attracted to her . She had already captured my
attention with her way of talking, antics and beauty and now with her
these talks she made me totally interested in starting a conversation
with her . I always prefer brains to beauty in girls because brains last
and beauty doesn't . This girl was a perfect fit for the kind of girl I
would myself start a conversation with and continue .
I started
feeling thirsty . I had already finished the small bottle that I had
with me. i decided to go to the train cafeteria and get a bottle of
water for me . I got up from my seat , my glasses still on and left for
the cafeteria which was in coach no 4 to the left . I reached the
counter . The guy at the counter said " Bonjour" (Hello ) but got no
response from my side . I guess he must be used to such kind of clients .
I showed him my empty bottle and gestured by hand what I wanted . He
gave me a new bottle . I was collecting my change at the counter when I
heard a lady asking for a sandwich and a coca cola . The voice seemed
known. I turned to my right and saw she was the lady travelling with me ,
the pretty girl's mother . I saw her purchasing the sandwich and then
put it on the eating table beside the counter. That meant she wanted to
eat there itself in the cafeteria while enjoying the outside view . I
quickly realized this was a good time to go back quickly to my seat and
spend some time in front of the girl while her mother is away . I so
much wanted to see her without her sunglasses and I courageously assumed
she too wanted the same from my side as we both had not taken off our
glasses since the time we had entered the train .
As soon as I got
into my seat , she said , " Oh so you back from the cafeteria . I hope
my mother is back soon too . Were there too many people at the cafeteria
? " .
Even this time she did not get any reply from me . I felt
really bad this time . I saw her face pointing towards me with her
sunglasses on . She was looking at me . I gestured to her with the
bottle in my hand as if to ask if she wants some water . She was looking
towards me but said nothing . I again gestured but again no response
from her side . I felt pissed off at this behaviour of hers but she had
got the same from my side as well not once but four times so I could
understand the unavailability of a reaction from her side this time .
Then, she smiled and as soon as she smiled, I forgave her in my mind (as
if she was waiting for me to forgive her ,
and wanted to strike a conversation with her, talk to her , ask her
about herself , get to know what she was doing in life , why she liked
her sunglasses so much , why she did not react to my gesture ? Why was
she travelling with her mother ? Did they stay in avignon ? if yes for
what had had they come to Paris , how old was she ? Could we meet again
if she stays in Paris . There was almost a big high wave of questions in
mind ready to strike down on the shore but I could not . I just kept
looking at her, totally mesmerised by her beauty .
Suddenly she
turned her face towards me and I immediately turned my face towards the
window as if to show that all this while I had been looking at the
scenic view outside . I again heard something from her . Her husky voice
broke the silence again . She said , " Are you staring at me ? If yes ,
then why are you not talking ?" I was shocked at hearing this and
started thinking if she had already seen me looking at her all this
while even though I had my sunglasses on . She leaned forward and put
her hands on the table as if to say, "this time she was sure that she
would get a reply from my side .There was no reply from my side . She
waited for a minute in that posture and then leaned back on her seat
now putting her left hand on the window sill and rested her right hand
on her lap . She turned her face towards the window to the view outside .
For me , this was the final nail in the coffin . I knew now she would
not talk to me again . I was feeling gutted inside . I was helpless . I
just wanted to talk, talk and keep talking to this girl and hoped the
journey was not just for 3 hours .
Her mother returned from the
cafe . She said , Clara , we are reaching avignon in 10 minutes . So,
this pretty face had a name too and her name was Clara . I felt like
saying , "Hi Clara , it was nice meeting you . Hope we meet soon ! but I
could not . Oh how I wish I could say it at this moment .Soon the audio
announcement came from the train's captain as well that we will be
reaching Avignon in five minutes . People who had to get down in Avignon
started getting up from their seats and collecting their bags from the
cabin baggage space . Soon the train stopped at Avignon . The train had a
halt of 2 minutes at the Avignon station . Almost all the passengers
getting down here had vacated the train in the first 30 seconds . When
the passageway became empty , the mother got up from her seat quickly ,
pulled down two backpacks and the coats from the cabin luggage space .
She tied one to her shoulders and the other bag she put on the chair,
opened the first zip and took out a ruler sized (30 cm) thin black
coloured cylindrical rod . I still had my glares on and I was observing
them . She flipped the instrument looking rod and it quickly became four
times its length . It was actually a walking help cane . She helped
Clara get out of her seat by holding her hand and then handed her the
walking cane . For the first time , I saw Clara fumble in her movement
while getting up from the chair . She looked for the table , rested her
left hand ,came to the corridor (passageway) , took the cane from her
mother and started walking . Soon she was out of the train and at the
platform .
I was witnessing one of the most astonishing moments
of my life . That pretty , vivacious girl was blind . I just froze for
the moment and could not even wave my hand to say good bye . The train
left the station in the next few seconds. I was unable to move for the
moment . Shock had gripped me totally . I wanted to speak something . I
opened my mouth and shut it down with an empty gulp . Before I could
realise there was a lump in my throat and I could suddenly feel my chest
become heavy . I was trying to swallow emptily to push down the lump
from my throat but it wasn't working . I was indeed super shocked . I
had some water and it surely helped calm down the nerves . I took off my
glasses and went to the bathroom to wash my face . My eyes had become
red . I washed my face thrice , wiped off the water with a tissue and
came back to my seat . Still that uneasiness was there . It was as if
somebody had taken away something which i had owned for sometime . I had
prepared so many thoughts in my mind all through the 2.5 hours journey .
I had visualised a picture of her as to , how she would be in her life
with her friends . She must be full of energy , walking around , dancing
around , talking to people around and mesmerising everyone with her
beauty . She was a bunch of energy and just because of her, I didn't
even realise how the two and a hour journey passed away as I was so busy
adoring her . She obviously was oblivious of her beauty and she had
talked to me so politely and humbly at all times when she asked me her
questions . How could a person be so perfect ,thats what I was wondering
. I wondered how God can be so cruel sometimes . How could he have done
something like this to this little beauty with brains . I started
imagining the plight of her family . I wanted to ask her earlier why was
she travelling with her mother and now I knew that somebody had to be
always there with her to take care of her . Oh this feeling was burning
me from inside . Had I known I could have at least communicated with her
in some manner .
Life is really a big puzzle which no one can
ever solve . If only i could have written on a paper to let her know
about me . I knew she would have felt amazing to get to know me and we
could have been friends . I could have atleast written a note on a paper
saying , "Your daughter is just amazing " and given it to her mother
who would have communicated to her the message and I am sure she would
have liked it so much . Most of time in our lives we stop ourselves from
doing things which we want to do, or say, or communicate . Many a times
its ego and many a times its helplessness. In my case here it was both .
We let go of things until its too late to mend them . I could have
written a note and maybe we could have got to know each other much
better during the 2.5 hours that we spent together . We never know in
what form life will present situations in front of us and at what time .
If we hold ourselves back always, we will keep seeing life pass by and
we will lose things which possibly could have been ours . Anyways what
had happened had happened , I can't reverse the time anymore. I was 100
kms away from avignon with no contact detail whatsoever of the
mother-daughter duo who travelled with me because I had not asked for it
. Why did I hold myself back from communicating through written notes
at least ? I could have done that . I was angry at myself . I didn’t
care if she was blind . Her energy, her polite statements , her
demeanour had brushed off on me like anything . I wanted to see her and
give her a hug but I knew the moment was gone . We keep visualising in
our lives that one day this moment will come and we will do such and
such but when that moment finally shows up , sometimes in a mask , we
bind ourselves either by our ego or helplessness and let the moment
drift away and then the moment never comes back . We keep thinking how
we have so many problems and its impossible to stay happy with so many
problems and then god send us such examples which inspire us , encourage
us to fall back in love with life and try to mend whatever wrong we
have done till now with ourselves and others .
I was deeply
engrossed in my thoughts when again the captain announced that we would
be reaching Marseille in 5 minutes .People started getting off the train
. I was last one to leave my coach with my backpack . I knew the the
city of Marseille pretty well but didn't know the area near to the
station so well . This was my third therapy session in the last 6
months. The last ones were in Paris and Lyon . I came out of the station
and showed a paper with an address to a passerby. He quickly explained
to me the address . I nodded my head and went towards the address . I
finally reached the building . "National Institute of Therapy for
communication disorders" , there was a big name plate on the gate .
Yes I was speech impaired . Seven months back when I woke up one morning
,the right side of my face was completely paralysed . I was rushed to
the hospital by my friends . After 4 days of observation and complete
inability to speak from my side , the doctors diagnosed it as "
Dysarthria " . Its a condition in which speech production muscles go
dormant for sometimes or in some cases they become totally dead.
Thankfully in my case, they were just dormant .I had to do these therapy
classed for three years and only then there would be a slight chance
for me to recover by 70 % in my speech making abilities . I entered the
building, showed my badge to the receptionist who guided me with a smile
towards a classroom on the ground floor itself . There were already 7-8
people there while the instructor was still not present . I had reached
30 minutes before the class .
My mind was still occupied by the
thoughts of Clara. What if I had told her about my problem ? What if I
had written a note to her mother regarding why I was not able to reply ?
Clara would have understood and we could have friends . Majority of the
problems in our life arise due to our failure to discuss our situations
. It could be ego which gives us a false sense of strength and makes us
think that if we share our problems / deficiencies we would be seen /
considered as weak by others . Today that ego had taken away something
from me which could have "possibly" turned out to be a beautiful
experience for me . Why most of us do it to ourselves ? Why do we let go
when we could have done something regarding the situations in our life
and why do we sit and regret later . Why don't we act right away ? What
stops us from doing such ? I had slipped further into the valley of my
negative thought and self introspection and suddenly a loud voice
saying, " Hello everybody " pulled me right back from the deep valley of
my thoughts .
He was a smart looking middle aged man with back
brushed black hair . I would say of Tunisian origin by the look of his
face . He informed us about the schedule of the day , the break timings
and what all will we cover . It was a 5 hour class . I was trying to get
back to my class mode when suddenly he announced , " Ok before we start
the class today, I would want you all to write a small one page story
about the moment when you felt the worst regarding your speech inability
and you wish you you were not impaired .The moment you regret the most
in your life due to this "impairment" . I didn't believe what he said
but yes , I had heard it right . That was the topic . A smile appeared
from nowhere on my face and as I put my black glasses on again , a tear
had started running down from my left eye !
C'est la vie !
P. S : Life is always "Pain au chocolat " . Its we who take out the "chocolat" and make it "Pain nature" .
Note : All the situations and characters in this story are fictitious .
Draw parallels only if you have too much free time and at your own risk
.
- The Curious Wizard
